Strong feelings

I suppose you never really know how strong your feelings are for your offspring, until someone challenges them in some way.

Earlier this week’s B’s mum was called in by the nursery for a chat. It’s one of those things you hear about, but never imagine it will happen in connection with your child. Anyway, B is meant to be starting school in September, even though she will only just be 4, such is the dis/advantage of being born in August.

Anyway, the nursery emphasised how lovely B is and what a great personality she has, how intelligent she is, and what a great leader she is, before turning round and saying that they don’t think she should start school in September.

Apparently, she is too wilful and won’t do what she’s told. She only takes part in activities that she wants to, rather than the ones that the nursery want and consequently the staff haven’t been able to carry out a proper assessment on her literacy, etc.

Add to that, they don’t think she is mature enough to cope with not getting her way all the time: ie, if another child takes over, or calls her names.

Now, I accept the B is many, if not all of those things above, but the thing that amazes me is that this nursery find it surprising that children who are going to school aren’t totally rounded people. B isn’t 4 till August, for goodness sake.

Equally, they said they found her a real challenge and found it difficult when she plays one of the teachers off against the other. That made me laugh, for starters. A group of trained, professional child carers, being outwitted by a 3 and a half year old. The thing is, though, it feel as if it’s a direct attack on you as a person and parent, if they make these sort of claims.

And what about kids who never go to a nursery before they start school? Do they go in without an assessment? My daughter, for better or worse, is an intelligent, sensitive little girl, who isn’t a perfect yet. The whole point of school, among other things, is education of a worldly kind, not just academic.

The law of the playground is something you only learn when you get there. You can prepare kids for it. Some revel in it, some find it more difficult, but whoever you are, you get out of the other side a different and better person, usually.

B reminds me so much of myself at the same sort of age. Wilful and not prone to doing things she find boring. God knows, she’ll have to do enough boring things later in her life – let her enjoy the interesting stuff now!

Alma Pater

Dads are strange things, aren’t they? I’ve been in the fortunate, or unfortunate depending on how you look at it, situation of having two for most of my life.

My mum and dad (biological) separated when I was roughly 4 and both remarried. I was brought up by my mum and stepdad (who I called Dad), while seeing my dad and stepmum on alternate weekends for most of my childhood.

I came to look on my stepdad as my real dad (because he was there most of the time) and he was very good to me, taking me on as his own. Meanwhile, the relationship with my real dad became strained and more and more distant. I came to look upon him in a more avuncular way, rather than paternal and I think, especially as I grew up, our similarities managed to drive us further apart, rather than closer together.

My stepdad died, sadly, almost two years ago, after a long period of ill-health, so the only father figure in my life now, is my dad. I have also, in recent years, left my first wife and settled down with my current partner, with who I have Schmoo.

That has been the biggest factor in rekindling my relationship with my Dad. We never stopped talking, but we could go months without proper contact and he frustrated me no end.

Now C’s opinion of him and my stepmum is far higher than my ex-wife’s ever was. I live closer to them than ever before and, having talked things through with my counsellor, I realised that I needed to make an effort to, at least, see if I could improve things.

Well, things had been better for a while, and then I told him about my recent bout of depression and the floodgates have opened. We’ve been in touch more in the last few weeks than we have (almost) in the last 6 months.

Yes, he still annoys me and, yes, I know we still have a long way to go, but things are definitely on the mend.

Anyway, the point of all this is because it taps in so closely to my relationships with Schmoo and B. I know that at times, my daughters will become intensely frustrated and pissed off with me. Equally, I hope I make it clear to them that they can come to me, whatever the problem or request.

Familial relationships are never easy, I know, probably because blood means that characteristics are shared and these cause friction, rather than harmony most of the time. But I know I want things to be easier for my kids with me than they have been for me with my mum and dad.

Here’s hoping…