Category: funny

Why The Onion is still brilliant

I’ve been struggling to find things to write about at the moment – I think the wet winter weather must be seeping through into my brain and clogging it up.

I can visualise it now actually: my grey cells going all soggy, like when you drop a loo roll into the pan accidentally (c’mon, we’ve all done it).

Anyway, thanks to Dave Hepworth for this brilliantly sharp piece from The Onion News Network (shame about the irritating pre- and post-roll advertising, but hey, I guess they have to make their money somehow!).

Evangeline Lilly Wins ‘Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene’ At Strong Women In TV Awards

Drink rats’ milk, Heather?

Heather Mills“Heather Mills says ‘Drink rats’ milk'” – I actually thought that I’d started reading the Onion, rather than a serious news story, when I saw that headline.

It never ceases to amaze me how difficult Heather Mills makes her own life. She’s clearly targeted a little too often by the press, but she doesn’t exactly help herself, does she?

I actually agree that our dependence on cows’ milk is probably too heavy and there is a case for looking for other sources of lactose, but rats!?!?! Is she serious?

Can you imagine the difficulty in milking a rat? They’re fast buggers, I can tell you, so the chances of being able to get the machine attached to their mini udders would be tough enough. Perhaps someone could invent a way of squeezing a rat and catching the milk that runs out.

Heather also handily suggests cats’ milk as an alternative to cows’ milk as well. Hmm, you can imagine the scene in households up and down the country each morning, can’t you?

‘Darling, I fancy a bowl of cornflakes, could you sort out some milk for me?’

Hubby carries Tiddles into the kitchen and hooks her up to the Felimilka, the milk equivalent of an espresso that produces a perfect measurement of warm, cereal-friendly white stuff.

The other thing I find weird is that Ms Mills is encouraging us to all go vegan, yet is still telling us to get milk from other animal sources. Surely that goes against all vegan principles?

Owww, my brain hurts…